Disappointment and ADHD: What’s Really Going On?

by Daniel Penney

Have you ever had a moment where you felt like you let someone down—without them saying a word?

It’s a familiar experience for many people with ADHD. You might feel you’ve fallen short, missed something important, or just didn’t show up the way you intended. But sometimes, that feeling of disappointment isn’t coming from anyone else—it’s coming from your own expectations.

Here’s the first truth: disappointment is a feeling, not a fact. And understanding where that feeling comes from can make it a lot less overwhelming.

What Is Disappointment, Really?

Disappointment often shows up when there’s a gap between expectation and reality. For people with ADHD, that gap can feel especially wide—whether it’s forgetting a small task or needing to change plans.

But it’s also common to carry a sense of assumed disappointment—that quiet belief that others must be let down, even if they haven’t said anything.

“One mistake does not have to rule a person’s entire life.” —Joyce Meyer

Imagine canceling a catch-up with a friend because your day got overwhelming. You might worry they’re upset or frustrated—but when you message them, they reply, “No problem at all, I was thinking of rescheduling too.”

ADHD Traits That Fuel the Disappointment Cycle

Let’s look at a few common ADHD experiences that can heighten the feeling of disappointment:

✨ Perfectionism

Many people with ADHD lean into perfectionism as a way to compensate for inconsistent focus or memory. But when perfection becomes the baseline, it’s easy to feel like you’re always falling short.

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” – Anne Lamott (Source)

👀 Masking - (View More)

Masking—trying to hide your ADHD traits to “blend in”—can be draining. And when you can’t keep it up 24/7, you might assume others are disappointed, even when they aren’t.

🛋️ Small Cover-Ups - (More Info)

It’s not unusual for people with ADHD to avoid uncomfortable conversations by bending the truth—especially when overwhelmed. Over time, this can lead to guilt and fear of disappointing others, even in minor situations.

🚫 Expectations and Boundaries

Without clear, realistic expectations for yourself or others, disappointment sneaks in. Whether it’s overcommitting or not asking for help, things can feel harder than they need to be.

Learning to communicate needs and limits kindly—and adjusting expectations to match your reality—is a powerful way to shift the pattern.

🧠 Rejection Sensitivity and Self-Esteem

Feeling like a disappointment is often tied to rejection sensitivity and low self-esteem, both of which are common in people with ADHD. Early experiences of being misunderstood or corrected frequently can lead to a lasting internal narrative that you’re always falling short. This narrative is important to help others combat, for more on that check out this CHADD.org article on prioritizing praising children.

How to Start Shifting the Pattern

Shifting out of disappointment loops doesn’t happen overnight—but small perspective shifts can create big emotional relief. According to a BetterUp article on changing perspective, perspective shifts begin by pausing, re-evaluating the moment, and allowing for new meaning to emerge.

Try one or more of these mindset shifts:

  • Notice the Feeling: Ask, “Am I assuming someone’s disappointed—or do I actually know how they feel?”
  • Name the Pattern: Is this a familiar narrative? When else have you felt this way?
  • Reframe the Moment: Instead of “I failed again,” try “This was hard for me today, and that’s okay.”
  • Practice Micro-Kindness: Instead of perfection, aim for one small thing you can follow through on—and let that be enough.
  • Speak Gently to Yourself: Would you talk to a friend this way? If not, what would you say instead?
  • Let the Day Flex: Routines don’t have to be rigid. Allow your plans to breathe a little.

These small reframes don’t erase disappointment—but they soften the self-blame that so often comes with it. And that’s where real change starts.

Listen UP!

Feeling disappointed doesn’t mean you are a disappointment.

With ADHD, the emotion might hit faster or linger longer—but it doesn’t define you. You’re allowed to be human. You’re allowed to change your mind, ask for support, and show up imperfectly.